There will be other end of year lists, I'm just getting this one out of the way so that I don't leave a bad taste in my mouth. But I should explain something a little about how movies are distributed in Australia. A lot of the big movies that come out at the start of the year have already been released everywhere else, even a few of the lesser known movies (mainly British ones) that come out during the middle of the year were released the year before. Then there are times when we'll get movies a couple of weeks before everywhere else. And then there are those more arthouse-y films that were released two or even three years ago. So, just to let you know. These lists are more about what films I personally saw at cinemas this year. (Except for one on this list, and it fucking deserves to be here.) But yeah, if I just did the films that came out this year, then I wouldn't be able to finish these lists. Enough expotision, let's get on with it.
10. J. Edgar
This was the first bad movie of the year! And it's main problem is that it's too long. There are good moments, but I was falling asleep by the end. I want to like Clint Eastwood as a director, but he's too long winded. Though Trouble with the Curve was probably the worse movie from Clint this year (not counting that time when he talked to a chair), but I'm putting this on the list because some people still think it's good, when it really isn't worth it. It doesn't give you anything about the man you couldn't learn from a biography of him. Not worth it, and if you want to know more about what I think, though I doubt you will, then check out my actual review of it. (I have a feeling I'm going to be saying that a lot.)
9. Wuthering Heights
I have a strong dislike for shaky cam movies due to the fact that they often spark my labrynthitis (which gives me vertigo). But even while I don't like shaky cam for personal reasons, I can still watch movies that use it, and recognise that they are good movies. The most obvious example from this year is Beasts of the Southern Wild. However, there was one movie this year that made me sick enough to miss work. That was this one. So, I may be a little biased towards this. But this isn't a good movie anyway. If nothing else, an adaptation should at least make you want to seek out the original that it was based on, and this doesn't give me any desire to read the book. It's too long, too dark and there are too many exterior shots of nature. The film is 129 minutes long, but if you took out all of the nature shots it would only be half that length. The natural lighting means that during night scenes you can't see anything. And it also makes it incredibly claustrophobic, and has a random scene of boderline necrophilia. But above all, this is boring, which is the worst adjective you can ever give a film.
8. Cosmopolis
I haven't read the book that this is based on, but after watching this film I don't think I need to. David Cronenberg made the wrong decision to keep all of the original dialogue from the book by Don DeLillo. It makes this film indecipherable. At least when you're reading a book you can stop and think about things, go back over things and take your time with it. When you're watching a film, things are constantly happening, and because you're in a cinema, you can't stop and go over things again. There are images that just look odd, not surreal but odd (if I want surreal and limousines, I'll watch Holy Motors), and each character has a massive speech that doesn't make sense unless you're really listening to it, which admittedly I wasn't. But in the end, like our previous entries, all this added up to was a boring film that was also incredibly pretentious.
7. Rock of Ages
Oh, I can't hate this film. This film is too stupid to be hated. I do think, however, that Adam Shankman took too many liberties with the plot, the voices are too auto-tuned and a lot of the characters are very poorly written. The musical numbers are too jumpy and unfocused to have any impact, and the main dude suffers from "Moulin Rouge" syndrome. Seriously, if he just talked to his girlfriend instead of jumping to conclusions then everything would be a lot simpler. But, out of all the films on this list, this would be the only one I'd recommend you go and see. It is hilariously bad! And it was the only so bad it's good movie to come out this year (at least, in my humble opinion). There are just some crazy moments that make no sense, either in reality or the context of the movie. But it is fucking silly as hell!
6. On the Road
When you watch this film, you can see the people just ticking off everything that they need to include in this adaptation. Drug montage, jazz montage, Mexico montage, all there. It's a purely paint by numbers adaptation of a book that would be ashamed to have this fairly mundane movie made from it. Again, this is BORING! I'm repeating myself too often in this list, but a boring movie is a terrible movie because you just don't feel anything towards it! Though, I am just a little bit annoyed with this film for making me waste my day on it and for plastering Kristen Stewart's breasts all over the place whenever they could. The book was just so alive and this adaptation was so dead, that's the main disappointing factor here. I think it was always just remain unfilmable.
5. Argo
Well, this is controversial. And to be absolutely honest, I was engaged whilst watching this film, it was a very entertaining film. But then I found out what really happened, the actual events, and this film just turned into a propaganda movie saying how fabulous America was. I can understand why it was recieved so poorly in Canada. There role is reduced to a cameo basically, with the CIA allowing them to bask in the glory while they supposedly did all the work. I find this film incredibly exploitative and self-congratulatory. I can't think about the film now without a bad taste in my mouth. And I'm surprised this has come from George Clooney's film studio, who are usually a lot better than this. If you do like it, fine. But now that I know what happened, I can't like this film anymore.
4. The Watch
Richard Ayoade, what are you doing in this? You're better than this! You shouldn't be here! Mind you, most of the actors in here shouldn't be in here. This could've been so much more! If they'd just re-read the script before they started shooting, instead of trying to be like a half-arsed version of Paul. But what we got was a mess of idiocy. I was actually ashamed to be in a room where people were laughing at this. If you did laugh at this, why? It wasn't funny, it wasn't clever! Why weren't you spending your money on good quality comedy? Why wasn't I spendig my money on good quality comedy! I think I need a cry.
3. Margin Call
I've ranted about this movie before. But it had such a good cast! Why did it turn out so crap? Well, the script probably had something to do with it. They could've made it a little clearer. No, they could've made it a lot clearer! Nothing made sense in this movie, unless you already know every minute detail about the stock market crash! And it was fucking nominated for a fucking Oscar!! Gah! This film frustrates me for what it could've been, but not as much as the next one.
2. Dark Shadows
I know you can't hear me through a computer screen but I groan everytime I think or someone mentions this movie. It's fucking stupid, and not in a good way. The worst part? Johnny Depp. He needs to re-think his movie choices. And he needs a break from Tim Burton. This film would've been better if Burton could just decide on a tone, either horror or comedy. this is one of the movies that can't be both. I haven't seen the original TV show, but from what I've heard, shoving every plot twist from the show into the film was not a good idea. I've said all I can about this film. Let's move onto the worst that this year has offered.
1. The Lorax
This film baffles me and angers me. Why the fuck does the Onceler have a face? Why has the main plot of the film been condensed into a 3 minute musical number? Why does the Lorax try to kill someone? Why is there even a fucking plot when there is no reason for there to be one? And most importantly, why the fuck did Audrey Seuss okay this shit of a film? I did not pay to see this film. If you did pay to see it, then your money was wasted. There should not be a plot. The people of Thneedville are shown to be quite happy paying for air, they don't seem to care about trees. Which means that the plot is fueled by Zac Efron's desire to impress Taylor Swift. Break that down, and the plot happens because Efron wants to get laid. This is the only film to make me angry every time I think about it. And now, there's a fucking Onceler subculture. THAT SHOULDN'T BE! HE SHOULD NOT HAVE A FACE!! If I could, I would burn everything to do with this film. Even Danny Devito. I'm sorry if you like this film, but you have really terrible taste.
So, yeah there it is. The worst films of this year from my opinion. This was hard to do. Mainly because most of these films were so goddamn boring. But thankfully, there were a lot more awesome movies that came out this year. So much more, that I have to do two separate lists. One for mainstream movies, and one for non-mainstream movies. Hopefully, I'll get them up before the end of the week. Until next time, readers.
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