Top 10 Guilty Pleasures

Yeah, this was bound to happen sooner or later. I think this will be my most embarrassing list (that is, until I make my favourite Eurovision songs list) but honesty is always best, even if it means that no one will take me seriously after this. Anyway, a guilty pleasure for me is basically any movie that you feel like you shouldn't like, and yet for some perverse reason you just can't stop watching them. It comes down to what makes you embarassed to watch and enjoy. So, I hope you won't hold this against me, though I'm sure you will, but here we go.

10. Showgirls

I had to have one of the classics on here! Ah Showgirls! The film that introduced me to the gloriousness that is a truly awesome bad movie. I reckon that everyone needs to see this film at some point in their lives, because one cannot fully appreciate the good, without first fully realising just how bad the bad can be. And this is nowhere near the worst film I've seen, if it was then I wouldn't own a copy. But it does have a certain campyness that keeps people coming back. And of course, there's the script. Good God, that script! Such terrible lines filling up the film! I love it! Anyway, this is up high because, like I said, it's one of the classic bad films. Saying that this is your biggest guilty pleasure doesn't mean anything anymore. And trust me, there is going to be a lot more room to embarass myself as we go.

9. Earth Girls Are Easy

Lol, what feminism? As this list goes on, you'll see that more and more of one type of film turns up. Anyway, Earth Girls Are Easy. One of Jim Carrey's first films, and with Jeff Goldblum having as much fun as he can. Yeah, that's the best word to describe this film, fun! And stupid. And possibly sexist. No, definitely sexist in some way. But, gosh darn it, it's just so likeable! And the songs! They are the most gloriously bad songs from any movie (apart from one I'll mention later). Anyway, this is the second list this has turned up on, so I guess you could call it one of my favourite movies as well. Which only proves that I have terrible taste. 

8. The Island of Doctor Moreau

Marlon Brando, you know I love you. But it makes me hard to when you appear in films like this. What the crap is this! It's bloody insane! But what else could you expect from a film that stars the Godfather as a scientist covered suncream, Batman is a gay, drug addicted vet and Remus Lupin spends the whole movie making funny faces at the make-up. It's brilliant! In all the bad ways. Val Kilmer obviously didn't care about this film, Marlon Brando cared just too much and Fairuza Baulk is trying to forget she was ever in this. A fantastic mess of a movie! And I haven't even got to the state of the script.

7. Dune

So, some people think that Battlefield Earth is the greatest bad sci-fi, but while I did enjoy John Travolta going insane, I found the rest of the movie was just boring. But Dune, oh boy! This was brilliantly stupid. If anyone wanted to see how not to make a movie, then this would be it. Which is weird, because all the sets and scenery and costumes were actually pretty good. It was just the over use of the narration, and everyone underacting. Except Sting. I love Sting as Feyd-Rautha! He is the best part of the film. In fact, I can't remember anything else about the film apart from Sting. He's just having so much fun! Though it is a little unfortunate that this is the only David Lynch film I've seen. And just so you know, last Kyle Mclachlan film on this list, I promise!

6. Batman and Robin

This is one of the most confusing movies ever. On the one hand, it tries to re-create the dark tone of the first Tim Burton Batman with the protagonists story, and yet tries to capture the campyness of the original 60s TV series with the villains. The result? An almost glorious mess. I can explain why in three words; George Clooney sucks! Seriously, he just did this film for a paycheck. So did Alicia Silverstone, who is pretty much yawning all the way through. The reason why I actually like this movie though? The villains! I love Uma Thurman, she's up there with Demi Moore as one of my favourite bad actresses. But unlike Moore, whatever part she's in, she gives it her all! Poison Ivy is my favourite character of this, and Arnie isn't that far behind. Those two stole the film, put it in their pockets and drove off into the sunset together. Love them!

5. The Pirate Movie

This film reminds me of a Eurovision song. No, I'm serious. Latvia, 2007, they did pirates. Pretty much if you want to know how amazingly cheesey this movie is, look up this song. You know, this film should piss me off. Pirates of Penzance is one of my favourite G&S operetta's, and this is a fairly shameful ... homage? It isn't really, considering they replace most of the songs with vapid 80s pop tunes. One of which won a Razzie! But, again, it's too stupid to offend. And I can't look away, the stupidity is just too overwhelming! ARGH!!

4. Jawbreaker
 

I hate Mean Girls, and yet I like this one. I told you I had bad taste! Though I don't think this is as bad as people think it is. It's still bad, but I've seen worse. Anyway, why do I like this film? Rose McGowan! Oh my god, she is hot as hell in this! Yeah. Kinda shallow reason. But I also think it's more extreme than Mean Girls, and almost reaches Heathers levels of black comedy, but not as well. Anyway, give it a chance. It might be the only time you see Marilyn Manson out of his make up!

3. Striptease

Yay! Showgirls' demented cousin! I told you I liked Demi Moore. And to be honest, she tries her best but the screenplay was doomed from the start. Also, Burt Reynolds. The worst part of this film. I almost hated him for life because of this film. But then I saw him A Bunch of Amateurs, and all was resolved (another review for another day!). So, why is this on higher than Showgirls? Well, while Showgirls is just so bad it's baffling how it got made, Striptease is more run of the mill badness, but with better actors. But if you say you like Showgirls, then you have some street cred. If you say you like Striptease, your a sad pervert. Yep, that sums me up.

2. Zombie Strippers

I love zombie movies, I quite like theatre of the absurd and for some reason I have a fascination with stripper movies. What do you get when you combine all three? A zombie film based Rhinoceros by Eugene Ionesco about strippers. I feel like this movie was made for me. Yes, this is based on the Ionesco's play about conformity and morality, so much so that the owner of the stripclub is Ian Essko, and is played by Robert Englund. Hell yes! If you can stand all the boobs, then this is actually kinda good, in a terrible way. The makers must've actually read the original play, because there are moments of depth. Not many, okay, not really. ... but there are boobs!

1. Santa Clause 3

I can't explain this one. The fuck knows why! I can almost defend kinda liking 4 films with more breasts than plot, and yet a terrible kids movie has me stumped! But I can't look away! It's just so badly written, and Martin Short is trying too hard, and Tim Allen doesn't care! But I watch it every Christmas, and I don't know why! Gah! Well, now that you know the full extent of the darkness in my soul, I wonder how many of you will actually keep reading this? Anyway, until next time readers, though I have no idea when that will be. Bye!

Movies I Watch While Sick

Yes, I know it has been a long time, but I don't care. I have been doing absolutely nothing and it has been glorious. And even though this title assumes otherwise, I am not sick. However, I will be getting my wisdom teeth out in a couple of days. And so I went looking for some films that other people watch when they feel under the weather. And I noticed that everyone kept putting the same films on their lists. Not that they were bad films, no. I love Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Star Wars. But they aren't what I watch when I'm sick. So, let me tell you my favourite movies to watch when I'm sick, and maybe you'll find some different ones you haven't seen that you might next time you feel like throwing up. But enough exposition, let's begin!

10. Purple Rose of Cairo

My mum borrowed this movie for some reason, and I don't think she ever watched it. And I was bored with labyrinthitis pissing off my head and I just needed something to watch and distract me. The premise for this film intrigued me and after watching it, it became my favourite Woody Allen movie. And it did distract me from my spinning head. Also, it has one of the best bittersweet endings ever! I'm still surprised no one else thought of this idea before this came out, and I still don't know why no one else has thought to use it since. But no one else could do it better than Allen.

9. Arsenic and Old Lace

I hope my mouth doesn't hurt too much after my teeth are gone because this will be the first film I am watching when I get home from the hospital! People say that laughter is the best medicine and if that's so, Cary Grant is the best doctor around. If ever anyone feels crap, then this film will make you laugh no matter what! And yes, I will be using a lot of exclamation marks! I love Cary Grant. I think he's one of the greatest actors ever, and his reactions in this film are perfectly over the top! It's also one of the best comedies ever made, with excellent support from Peter Lorre, Raymond Massey and Josephine Hull. The only problem with this is that it's too funny! You could die laughing from Grant's overacting, not that that's a bad way to go!

8. The Valet

If you are sleepy, then subtitles are probably not a good idea. But if you can keep yourself awake then this is an excellent French comedy. It's fun and gentle, and more original than a lot of American romantic comedies. And Daniel Auteil and Kristin Scott Thomas are in supporting roles! What more could you want? How about Alice Taglioni in one of the lead roles? Well, throw in Danny Boon and Virginie Ledoyen for good measure! But the cast isn't the only good thing about this film, the script is also pretty hilarious! But if you don't believe me, go and rent it yourself! No seriously, go and rent it. Now!

7. The Actors

If anyone ever needed proof that Dylan Moran could act, then this is it! This is a very silly film, with more plot than is necessarily and also an excellent cast. Michael Caine, Michael Gambon, Miranda Richardson, Lena Heady. Yeah, it isn't that amazing, but for me it's cute and funny and while the plot does seem a little convoluted at times, the acting makes up for it. And the comedy. It is a very funny film. And if you liked that one, another film that is underrated and funny if highly convoluted is the Welsh film The Baker. Also silly, another great cast and very good at distracting from annoying stomach cramps.

6. Five Children and It

I don't know what it is about kids movies, but they are really soothing when you're sick. It's probably a mix of the innocent characters, the obvious plotting and the ultimate happy uplifting ending. My mum (again) bought this one from an op shop because Kenneth Branagh was in it, but she never watched it (again). I only watched it because Eddi Izzard was in it, and also nothing else interested me at that moment. And then I loved it. And now, if I'm sick, this ends up on my watch list somehow. There's just something so enchanting about sub-par special effects mixed with kinda clunky dialogue and forced quirkiness. But I can forgive all of those flaws because there is love in the film and it is quite inspirational in a kid friendly way.

5. Guys and Dolls

I think I spent one day singing nothing but my favourite songs from this movie on repeat. So I kinda know this film off by heart, or at least the parts that I like. And even though nowadays Marlon Brando kinda makes me embarassed for him (he is not a dancer, I'm sorry), but I do think that no one can play Sky Masterson as charmingly as he does. Except maybe Anthony Warlow. Again, this is a fun film, with excellent music and it really doesn't require your full attention. And can I just say that Nathan and Adelaide are the cutest couple ever!

4. Earth Girls Are Easy

Yay, another musical! Though this one is a little more stupid. Yay for stupidity! If you're either a Goldblum fan or a Carrey fan, then you need to see this film. If you're a B-movie fan, then you need to see this film. If you're sick, then you definitely need to see this film! And if it doesn't cheer you up, then there is something wrong with you. Apart from the fact that you are sick in the first place. Even a cold-hearted feminist bitch like me likes this film, because sometimes you just want something that rots your brain and makes you laugh.

3. Night at the Museum

I watched this non-stop for a week. I'm not even exaggerating. I couldn't move my head, there was nothing else to, nothing else I wanted to watch and this was entertaining enough for me to watch over and over again. It might have something to do with the supporting cast, I think they get the best jokes out of the whole film. Especially the bromance between Jedediah (Owen Wilson) and Octavius (Steve Coogan). Considering that I wasn't even impressed by the trailer th first time I saw it, it was quite surprising when I actually did sit down and watch it all. Again, it's a childrens movie, it's a little cliched, but that just makes it easier to watch in all honesty. Especially when you feel like the world has taken a shit on you.

2. Hot Fuzz

This is the go to film when I want something familiar and fun and silly and stupid and clever and British and awesome and gore and death and swans and now I'm just listing words. But seriously, this is the fail safe film that everyone seems to like. Whenever things start to die down at a party, we watch Hot Fuzz. Whenever we run out of things to do at a sleepover, let's watch Hot Fuzz. Whenever I'm sick and puking into buckets and towels, Hot Fuzz time! It's the perfect comedy, maybe not for kids but definitely for everyone else. Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are two of the best comedic actors/writers around, and I am very excited for World's End to come out and complete the Cornetto Trilogy! But until then, there's still Hot Fuzz!

1. Pret-A-Porter

Wow, that sounds pretentious. What can I say? I first watched it all the way through when I was sick and bored. And in all honesty, it's a perfect sick film. You can fall asleep or wander off and come back later without missing anything important. It's got laughs that are a mix of slapstick and verbal humour. There's the pretty excellent inernational ensemble cast. And you can watch it over and over again and always discover something new about it. Yes, it is incredibly weird to have a Robert Altman film as my number film to watch when I'm sick, but it gets me through. And that's all that really matters.

So, as you can see, this is a fairly personal list this time. I can see why people pick those films that are easy to watch, that they've seen a million times. When I'm sick, all I want to do is lie down and never get up. These films, and quite a few others, make me laugh. And make me forget what's going on with my fucked up body. For a while at least. Until next time readers, wish me luck in the operating chair!