Christmas Movies

Well, the temperature outside is frightening, and inside it's even worse without air-con. The beaches are crowded, everyone to flocking to Adelaide (apparently everyone's relatives live in Adelaide) and we are sweating in this sizzling summerland. Yep, Christmas has arrived down under, and me being me I have to celebrate that fact with a list. Of my favourite (but also some of the best) Christmas movies. These are the films that I dust off every year around this time to get in the mood for the big day itself. And let me tell you, this was hard. I love Christmas movies. I love the way they make you fuzzy and expectant and hopeful, and maybe even a little teary. So, let's begin counting down my favourite (but also some of the best) Christmas movies. 

10. Trading Places

Okay, while not specifically about Christmas, and technically covering the whole of December and even into January rather than just the actual holiday itself. But I still think that this film shares some important lessons that this time of year has to offer. Like accepting and appreciating what you have while you have it. Of course, it gives this lesson in the greediest way possible. And the most hilarious. Even though the end scene still confuses me no matter how many times I watch it, the train scene is one of the funniest things I will ever watch. I guess this kinda proves that greed is ever present, even during Christmas. 

9. The Santa Clause

My dads love for this movie has passed on to me. And ignoring the fact that Tim Allen sorta killed someone (manslaughtered, I guess) this is still an excellent family film, with a fairly simple premise; How does someone become Santa? Tim Allen is excellent as Scott Calvin, evolving from a cynical father who is never there for his son into the jolly fat man himself... who through this transformation will also end up never being there for his son. Huh. Plot holes aside, this is still a fun movie, especially during the middle part of the film when we see how him changing affects his own private life. And for some reason, my family ends up watching it every year. 

8. The Family Stone

So, originally I was going to put the 2006 film The Holiday on here, because even though it's too long for its own good, I still consider it to be underrated, in a frothy and cliched kinda way. But then I watched this film again. And it surprised me with how good it was. Sure, it's a little manipulative with how it tugs at your heartstrings, and there are some cringeworthy moments with Sarah Jessica Parker's character. But at the same time, it's one of those Christmas movies that plays with drama and comedy so well. And it's one of the only movies I watched about a family Christmas gathering that didn't resort to gross-out humour. At the heart of it all, this is about a family trying to adapt to change and learn to grow with it. Plus Diane Keaton is amazing as the mother who tries to hold it all together. In the end, this is a very good, bittsweet family dramedy, that if I'm really honest, even got me a little teary.


7.  White Christmas

 

And now we get to my mums favourite Christmas movie. Again, this was a toss up between this one and Holiday Inn, but White Christmas won for one reason. I love Danny Kaye. I mean, Fred Astaire is awesome, but for my own weird personal preference I'd take the versatile face of Kaye over the tap dancing feet of Astaire any day. This is a really sweet movie, predictable as all hell, but who cares. It was made in the 50s! All musicals were predictable then! Besides the opening with Bing singing the title song to the troops in WW2 is one of the best musical numbers on film. Plus, Vera-Ellen's tiny waist. It is amazingly impossible. 

6. Die Hard

I know there's some debate as to whether or not this is a Christmas movie... but fuck you, it's Die Hard! And anyway, strip away the layers, and this is just about a man trying to be with his family for Christmas. Some bank robbers just get in the way, that's all. Besides, what's more Christmassy than Bruce Willis running around half-naked with a gun.

5. Rare Exports 

Now, this is a little obscure. Most people who put horror films on their lists go for something like Gremlins or Black Christmas. But not me. This 2010 Finnish film gets on my list for essentially being a Christmas movie for those who don't like Christmas. This film is about the 'true' origins of Santa, and it is some scary stuff. When it's not little boys about to be eaten, it's instead an army of elves attacking a lonely outpost. If you haven't seen it, I really recommend you check it out. It will help get rid of any Christmas cheer you may have aquired. 

4. The Nightmare Before Christmas

What really sells this movie for me isn't the fantastic visuals of iconic animation. Nope, what really got me loving this movie was Danny Elfman's singing voice. It is incredible the way he moves from singing to talking in the same bar sometimes. And did I mention how awesome the songs are? To me, this is one of the most perfect kids movies. A little scary in times maybe, but altogether fantastic. Jack Skellington has become the face of Tim Burton (even though he didn't actually direct this), and his quest to make sense of his purpose in life, while Sally will always be one of my favourite heroines. Most notably for actually having a brain amidst a bunch of Halloween obssesed monsters. Did I mention the designs in this are also excellent?

3. The Ref

Okay, so we did my parents favourites, and now this is mine. Yep, even after all my talk of heart-warming nonsense, the Christmas movie I like the most is the incredibly cynical one full of Denis Leary swearing. Why, you may ask. Well, because after all the fluffy stuff that came before, I need something cynical to make it through the holidays. Also, not to mention the awesome cast. I love each of the three leads in their own way, but I do have to say that Kevin Spacey kinda steals this one for me. All actors out there, watch this movie and pay attention to each one of Spacey's reactions. There are flawless! And then there's the supporting cast, which includes Christine Baranski (who gets the best lines in the film!) and Glynis Johns. Yeah, Mary Poppins Glynis Johns. Your childhood might be ruined after seeing her in this.

2. It's a Wonderful Life

So random fact time! This, along with Metropolis, was one of the first DVDs my family bought. That was about 9 or 10 years ago, and even though I've seen this film almost every year since then, it still gets me all teary right at the end. I love Jimmy Stewart, and watching him go through some of the worst things in life is heartbreaking. I really don't know what else to say about this, everyone knows it, and if you don't then you really need to! They don't call this a classic for nothing.

 1. Love Actually

Fuck yes! Not only is this what I consider to be the best Christmas movie, but also one of the best movies ever made on its own. Why is it so good? It might be the excellent cast, the best of the Brits you could say. Naming them all would take a whole page. It might be that Christmas is almost in the background, the main plots are about the characters and the fact that it's Christmas merely dictates some of the situations that they get themselves. It might the way it balances the funny and bittersweet moments so well. It might even simply be that not everyone gets a happy ending, mirroring real life, which is something that it's American counterparts can't seem to do (looking at you, Valentine's Day). It's a bit of all of those. My favourite story? Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman's, especially at the end, when you know that they are still trying to get through everything. The other thing that makes this excellent is that each character gets just enough screentime to tell their story. This really is amazing, and if you haven't seen it, then you are definitely missing out!

So, that's it! Have a Merry Christmas, everyone who celebrates it! Have a happy New Years for 2013! And, well, have a marvellous holiday time! Try to stay in the cool! Until next time, readers.

Problems I had with 'Perks'

Yes, I have now seen the new teen-angst hipster movie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, based on the book by Stephen Chbosky, who also directed the film. And if you haven't guessed from the title, it fell a little flat with me. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't great. Really, the only compliment I can give it is that it's competent, and even that is stretching it a little. Basically, it just could've been so much more, but I didn't connect with it. And I would like to examine why that is. If you did like it, good for you. Maybe you could answer some of these questions that interrupted my viewing of the film. Yeah, I can't be bothered and I don't have time to right a full review. And I'm just going to guess that most of you know the plot. If you don't, watch the trailer. Gives you enough information on it. Oh, and they aren't in any particular order.

1. Did they seriously not know that David Bowie song?

Okay, this is just me being a little nit-picky and annoying, but this frustrates me. During a tunnel ride, the song "Heroes" by David Bowie is playing on the radio, but for some reason, none of them recognise it. Now I know that the song didn't create that much of an impact when it was first released, but by the 90s it had gathered a lot of respect, and had appeared on about 6 best of CDs by 2002. The only explanation I can come up with is that the three main characters' musical tastes is so alternative that David Bowie has somehow slipped their radars.

2. What happened to Patrick?

Halfway through, after his big emotional breakdown, Patrick (Ezra Miller) just kinda disappears from the movie. And we don't hear anything else about him. We get no closure for the character! How does he overcome his depression? Does he find someone else? What the fuck happened to him! I guess this just shows how little invested I was with the main character that I desperately wanted to know what happened to one of the supporting characters.

3. Was there any point to Joan Cusack being in this?

I mean the actor, not the character. Didn't think so. It's just distracting to see her pop up five minutes before the end of the film.

4. We needed more Melanie Lynskey and Aunt Helen

I really like Melanie Lynskey, ever since I saw her in Heavenly Creatures. And it's nice to finally see her in something other than Two and a Half Men. But the flashbacks involving her character are so brief that she might as well not even be in it. And it would be really helpful if Aunt Helen got a bit more screen time. Whatever we do learn about her is more implied than outright said, and it's just bloody frustrating rather than intelligent. And it brings me to my next point...

5. The final twist is not clear enough to have an impact.

Yes, this movie has a twist. There will be spoilers. I know that it's better to show than tell in films, but the final part of the film really shows Chbosky's inexperience as a director. Because what Aunt Helen did is never explicity said, I was left with an implication that came out of nowhere. This is why we needed more scenes with Helen, so that this twist would fit in more with what we would have learnt from her character. Because we don't learn anything, the twist becomes confusing. Also, because it is presented so incompetently, it doesn't have the impact it was meant to. Plus, it seems to be fairly exploitative, pulling a child abuse back story straight out of its arse. Which brings me to my next point...

6. The movie tries to hard.

Yep. It really does. All the teenage characters are indie, they're outside the group, but all that we know of 'popular/normal' is what the movie deigns to show us once in a while. It tries so hard to tug at your heart strings and relate to you that it loses a lot in terms of plot mainly (see previous point).  And it falls into so many cliches of other teen films without bringing anything that different. There's an inspirational teacher, there's a falling out of friends halfway through, there's the standing up to bullies. In all honesty, it's boring. The one good thing about the film, and I wish they had spent more time on this, was Charlie's family. They were there for him, concerned for him all the time, they helped him through his problems. And I'm not talking about just his parents, his siblings are there too. It's the only refreshing thing in the movie.

And now my last point.

7. When the fuck was this film set!

I'm serious! This pissed me off more than anything! We never got a fucking year! Is it too much to ask for! I think it was set somewhere in the 90s, but it could've been the 80s, or even early 00s. Please, if you do reply to this, please tell me what fucking year this is set in!

Anyway, that's it. I know I should've done a review, but I'm guessing those who wanted to see it already have, and won't care what I think about it anyway. With Christmas coming, hopefully I'll get another one up during the week (if I don't procrastinate and watch Christmas movies all day). This one should be Christmas themed. Until next time, readers.

Favourite Red Dwarf Episodes

Hey! Guess what? This is my 53rd review/list! So let's celebrate! With a list! Hooray! I think I'm using too many exclamation marks! I'll stop that now. Anyway, you must be wondering why I'm celebrating my 53rd post rather than my 50th. Well, because anyone can reach their 50th anything, but reaching the 53rd means that you not only stuck out for the distance, but you are slowly over taking the distance as well. Basically, it means I surpassed myself. You should all be very proud of me. And for me, there is no better way to celebrate than with a list. You might have guessed, but I don't really have a social life. I'd much rather sit around at home rewatching episodes of one the greatest TV shows ever made to make for a list that I doubt anyone will ever read. But there you go.

Red Dwarf X recently came out down here, and so that got me thinking about which episodes of this show were my favourites. I grew up watching VHS tapes (tapes that I still own) of Red Dwarf over and over again. I think it shows how much I love those tapes that I still don't own any of the DVDs. Oh well. One day I will. But for now, let's just get this list started. Please note that it is favourite rather than best. With a show that has been running for as long as Red Dwarf has, everyone's top ten is going to be different. So, while I might put one on that someone doesn't like, I don't really care. My list, my opinion. If you differ, good for you. Write up a list, and I may just read it myself.

The last thing that I want to say is that I prefer the earlier series, and even though the sets were pretty cheap, I have to say that the first two are probably my overall favourite. Which kinda means that I don't like the episodes as much past series 6. There are still good moments, and I still do love everything there, but no episode past series 6 is going to be on this list. I'm sorry if that disappoints you, but you'll live. Anyway, enough babbling.

10. Balance of Power / Parallel Universe

Shut up! I know this means there are technically eleven episodes, but I couldn't keep Parallel Universe off here! I love "Tongue Tied" too much. I know the song, and (most of) the dance off by heart! Plus, the rest of the episode isn't half bad. There's the 'worm do' line. But there is some character development seriously missing from the female counterparts. Balance of Power is the real number ten here. This is partly due to the fact that as a kid, for hours I would watch the first tape of the first series over and over again, which had this episode, The End and Future Echoes on it. But while I got bored of Future Echoes over time, Balance of Power has always remained fresh for me. This might be because the dialogue between Rimmer and Lister is some of the best. Their interactions are what make the entire show for me. I know most fans prefer Future Echoes, but Balance of Power will always be one of my favourites. Oh, and Parallel Universe.

9. Legion

For some reason, whenever I think of my favourite RD episodes, or even of the show itself, Legion always comes to mind. And that has to mean something. Well, it is the episode in which Rimmer finally gets a hardlight body! I'm still surprised it took so long. And Legion himself is an interesting character, a disembodied super genius who has to choose between either living with the combined conciousness of the Red Dwarf crew, having to put up with their neuroses and faults, or to live as a diesmbodied supergenius. Such a hard to choice, to be or not to be. I think I just spoilt the episode. Oh well, watch it anyway if you haven't seen it! There's a very hilarious dinner scene halfway through!

8. The Last Day

Now, Kryten isn't my favourite character, though I do love him, like I do all of the crew, and I do love the episodes where his character is focused on. This one was his first big character episode. And he is brilliant! The age old sci-fi dilema of can robots, or droids in this case, feel anything. Well, Kryten has gotten word that he is to be replaced, and accepts this without question. But after a farewell party, he realises that there is so much more that he has yet to experience. And he eventually proves his worth through destroying his psychotic replacement model. What else I like about this episode is seeing all of the crew getting drunk and acutally bonding together, something that they rarely do. And Robert Llewellyn overacting is pretty hilarious!

7. Better Than Life

There are many reasons to like this episode. Watching Lister and Cat bond while pissing off Rimmer. Delving into the subconscious of each of the characters (especially Rimmer's). The jam and ants ending, in which Holly is somehow also threatened. The Red Dwarf crew find a total immersion video game that lets them live out all their fantasies, and of course Rimmer screws it up. This is the episode where we learn about Rimmer's brothers, and how he always felt inadequate when compared to them. You may have already noticed this, but Rimmer is my favourite character, so a lot of the episodes on this list revolve around him. That being said, I do think that this episode also furthers the friendship between him and Lister, though it takes a turn for the worse at the end. A simple premise executed in a really funny way.

(PS. Also check out the books, where this idea is expanded upon in a more serious, but nonetheless hilarious, way!)

6. Gunmen of the Apocalypse

I told I liked Kryten episodes, though he looks a little possesed in that picture. Anyway, you can tell that the writers really wanted to get them off the ship, and they came with a lot of ways to do that. In this episode, we revisit the Total Immersion Video Games, when Kryten gets a virus and the other crew members have to enter a western style video game to get him out. Hooray! Red Dwarf in western gear! What more could you want? But what I really like about this episode is that Rimmer actually acts brave. Okay, so he runs away just as quickly, but he still volunteers to go first. I just really like this one, it's funny and kinda sweet. And I also rewatched it all the time when I was kid. Nostalgia will always win with me.

5. Terraform

Hmm... Half naked oiled Chris Barrie.... That's not the only reason I like this episode. Again, another look into Rimmer's crazed mind. And it is not pretty. And oh my god, the opening is ten times funnier than the infamous underwear scene in Polymorph! Sorry guys, but it is. The Polymorph scene is only funny and shocking the first time. After you've seen it as many times as I have, it gets kinda blase. But the Kryten spider hand at the beginning of this episode is awesome! And the way the episode starts, it's already halfway through the story by the time the audience arrives. Plus, again, it brings on the pathos and poignancy. If you play all of the Rimmer orientated episodes back to back, you get the picture of a very sad and pathetic man who is full of self-loathing and really needs to get over his ego one of these days. I hope he never does!

4. Back to Reality

Yep, this had to be on here. For those of you who aren't part of the fandom, this episode is widely considered to be the best Red Dwarf episode ever made. This is the Wrath of Khan of Red Dwarf. It is superbly excellent in both story and character. The best thing about it is the massive surprise when it first came out, fans were not expecting what happened, especially since it came right at the end of series 5. And for those who haven't yet seen it, I am not going to spoil it for you! You need to see it! For those of you who do know the episode, I'm sorry this is only number four. I didn't really grow up with this one. The tapes of the series we had were out of order, and so half of some series we had, and others we didn't have at all. But I do love this episode, especially the first time I saw it! Thankfully, it's clever enough to watch over and over again, without getting boring. And it has one of the best car chases in television history!

3. The End

Call me sentimental for putting this on here, but I don't care. This is one of the best openings to any TV show I have ever seen. It introduces each character, allows Lister and Rimmer to develop a relationship for the audience to recognise, and then sets up the premise for the rest of the series, which is to return to earth. In all honesty, I think this the one episode I've watched the most. I know I've said this for every episode mention on this list, but I love this to pieces. I don't know what else I can say about this. So, I'm gonna stop. But I also love Lister's shirt. And the crappy green screen effects. And everything. I'll shut up now.

2. Quarantine

Mr Flibble! And an insane Rimmer! That is what makes this episode excellent! I'm not even kidding, the last ten minutes or so of this episode is so funny, it makes it onto my number two spot just for that. The rest of episode is excellent as well, of course. The part in the quarantine booth between Cat, Lister and Kryten is also hilarious. But I really just love this episode for Rimmer in a dress. And I'm not ashamed to admit it. I have nothing else to say really. Yeah, I put the silly episode above the ones full of character development and excellent stories. So sue me!

1. Marooned

The thing that I love most about this episode is that it's simple. Just two characters sitting in a room talking to each other. And they just happen to be two of the best written characters in television. And they hate each other. And one might possibly die from freezing to death. And one's already dead. It's one of the only times when Lister and Rimmer are physically forced to try and get on with each other, and the payoff is excellent. We learn more about both of their pasts, and about their common interests. Plus, there is still that great dialogue, with insults flying off each other throughout, and the anecdotes they tell! And you know what, they almost become friends. Almost. There is a moment when Rimmer actually comes to respect Lister, and think of him as a great man. Of course, it's destroyed almost immediately, but the journey to get there and back again was worth it! There is some seriously funny stuff in this episode. And I love every goddamn minute of it!

So, there you go. I know most people wouldn't agree with half the stuff on here, but I don't care. I still love the show, even Red Dwarf X, though it's slowly killing me with its cringeworthy humour and forcing of jokes. Because it's December, that means only one thing, Christmas! So be prepared for some more lists coming your way. Until next time, readers.

Ghost Graduation (Promocion Fantasma)

So, I didn't really know anything about La Mirada Film Festival, apart from a very misleading and pretentious trailer that was shown before every film at Nova for about month. But even though the trailer wasn't very enticing, I thought I'd check out the program. Partly because Pedro Almodovar is co-programmer, and partly because from my experience with film festivals (particularly the Russian one) I've learnt that there is always one little mainstream oddity that finds its way into the festival amid all the other serious drama and arthouse fair. I think I found the oddity of La Mirada, and the bad news is that the festival has already passed and you can't see it on the big screen anymore. The good news is that it is excellent.

Ghost Graduation follows Modesto (Raúl Arévalo), a school teacher who has the unusual ability to see and interact with ghosts, something which he views more as a curse since it interferes with his everday life, causing him to be fired from every school in his area. When he arrives at the prestigious school Monforte, he finds that it is haunted by five dead highschoolers,  bad boy Dani (Alex Maruny), pregnant Elsa (Aura Garrido), nerdy Marivi (Andrea Duro), jock Jorge (Jaime Olías) and party boy Pinfloy (Javier Bódalo), all of them killed in a fire that happened in the 80s. During their time as ghosts, the five have made the high school a haunted house, occupying their time scaring and annoying everyone who goes and works there. Modesto is asked by the principal Tina (Alexandra Jiménez) to get the ghosts to finish their unfinished business, which Modesto believes to be finishing the last year of high school, and to get them to leave the school before Founders Day. But it's not that easy when he has to contend with five impatient ghosts who have been stuck at school for the past 26 years.

Now, while researching, I found out that there is going to be an American remake helmed by Will Smith's production company Overbrook Entertainment, and I am not at all happy about it. And let me tell you why. In a nutshell, I have never seen a subtle American teen movie. They are all filled with the same sex jokes, bodily fluids and crude humour (American Pie, I'm looking at you), and while those things are in Ghost Graduation, they are pretty much all presented to you in the trailer. The rest of the film is more restrained, allowing the characters to grow through actions rather than long rambling explanations (Mean Girls, I'm looking at you). But most of all, there are serious and quiet moments, and considering that the film is basically about five teenagers coming to grips with their own deaths, you reall do need some quiet moments in the film for the characters to reflect on what they haven't done. The only person I would like to see attempt a remake of this is John Hughes, and since he's dead, I don't think it's very likely that he'll be heading the project. So, I'm sorry America, but after the 80s, your teen movies got really shit, and incredibly silly. I'm just scared that this will become another notch of failure in the genre. (I'm not saying that all teen movies after the 80s were bad, it's just that most of them were not good.)

But let's get on to the actual film, which I found excellent and refreshing. It riffs on both the teenage coming age/ high school movie genres, and also on the horror/ ghost story genres. But it's not scary, let's just get that out of the way first. It's not in the least bit scary at all. But that doesn't matter. It's funny, and that's what counts. So how does it put a spin on the old tropes? Well, for starters there's the basic plot, which is essentially Breakfast Club meets Heart and Souls, that's new! Then there's the actual teens, who look like they belong in Power Rangers. While they are all stereotypes, they are stereotypes done well and they aren't one dimensional, and they do react to things in a natural way. And the ghost movie tropes are used well also. Things aren't really explained, like why Modesto can see ghosts, and what powers they posess, but I like the fact that things aren't explained for the audience, it means that the makers believe that the audience are smart enough to make up their own minds about things.

The other thing that isn't explained is the actual nature of each teens unfinished business, which is also good. While I did like Heart and Souls, they were very keen to explain every characters motivations and used a lot of expositional dialogue at times. They don't do that here. Instead, throughout the film, as we follow the ghosts journey, we begin to pick up little cues that might explain why they are still here, but nothing is outrightly said. And I am so glad of this! I prefer to be kept in the shadows about some things, so that I can come up with my own theories as to what it all meant. The only ghost that we do know specific things about is Pinfloy, and that's more for comic effect than anything else. Plus, his story is actually funny. You can tell that the writers put a lot of effort into each character since they all have character arcs, even the ones who are alive, and it makes this movie feel more heartfelt.

And then there's the acting. I haven't seen any of these actors in any other film, but from watching this, I know that all of them are excellent comedic actors. Especially Raúl Arévalo as Modesto, who is dead-pan and expressionless for most of the film and consequently has most of the best lines. Even some of the minor characters, who have less development, have great actors, though they are a bit more exaggerated and spoofy. And I have to give a shout out to the extras, who usually have to act like there's no one there when someone is throwing books or chairs at them. There is also an excellent soundtrack here, featuring a lot of songs from the 80s, and a lot of songs from Spain. Though I should warn you, if you don't like Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" then you may want to cover your ears. She gets a lot of airplay in this. The special effects are good, and not many are used. A lot of the believability of the ghosts being invisible comes from how the extras react to what happens to them, another reason why they are awesome!

The one thing I haven't really talked about is themes, and that's cause this isn't the deepest of movies. There is stuff there to talk about moving on in death, and how the living cope with death and dying, but it doesn't go into too much detail. Like I said, this is more of a coming of age story rather than a ghost story, and if you go see it with that in mind, then it is rewarding. Apparently, this did get a mainstream release in the US, or at least was meant to (I wouldn't know, what with living in Australia and everything). I just hope that next year it comes out through Palace or gets a showing at the Nova or something. Because more people should see this film. It was one of the most popular films in Spain when it came out earlier this year, and we don't get much Spanish cinema outside of Almodovar and del Torro. If you get chance, see this. I think you can tell by now that I love it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go learn Shakira's "Estoy Aqui" in English on my accordion. Until next time, readers. 

Four Rooms (List Movie)

Tim Roth, what are doing? Why are you doing that? No one walks that way, seriously! What the fuck is going on!! ... This is an odd movie. You might even say it's a fucking odd movie. The idea is a good one, 4 directors are given 20 minutes to create a scenario based in a different room in a hotel involving the bell-hop (Tim Roth). But it doesn't work! This is a big fucking mess, so messy I'm already swearing too much in the first fucking paragraph! It's not the sort of movie you'd expect to see Tim Roth, I know that much. Though I've only seen him serious roles so I can't really talk. But we'll get to that later. Since there are four segments in the movie, this review will go through each of them in more detail. There may be spoilers, you have been warned.

Room one takes place in the Honeymoon Suite and is directed by Allison Anders, called The Missing Ingredient. A coven of witches meet to try and bring their goddess, Diana (Amanda de Cadenet), back to life after being turned to stone on her wedding night forty years ago. Each of the witches, Athena (Valeria Golino), Elspeth (Madonna), Jezebel (Sammi Davis) and Raven (Lili Taylor) have each brought the ingredient that they need in order to completed the spell. Eva (Ione Skye) was meant to bring semen as the final part, yet was unable to do so. The only way that they can complete the spell is to seduce Ted the bell-hop, and gather his semen whether he likes it or not.

Madonna was nominated for a razzie for her very brief appearance in this segment. But her part is so small that it doesn't really offend you, though she is quite bad. As an opening story, it's pretty good. The problem is that it's really quick, and because it's first, it runs the risk of being forgotten by the end of the film. And it is kinda forgettable. Except for Tim Roth. Now, in the other rooms, Tim Roth's acting isn't as noticeable because the other actors are overacting themselves, or the situations are more bizarre (yep) than this one, so the character becomes justified in being over the top. In this segment, the women seem to be going for more natural performances, so Tim Roth's overacting stands out too much. Overall, it is a different story, but isn't done well. The end result is something unfortunately more forgettable than it should be.

Now, the second room, directed by Alexandre Rockwell, has some funny moments, but this is definitely the strangest and least memorable of all the rooms. After getting a call for ice from one of the rooms, apparently room 404 where a party is taking place, Ted heads up with the ice only to end up at the wrong room and with a gun in his face. The gun belongs to Siegfried (David Proval), and he is waiting for his wife's lover, also named Theodore, to appear for him to threaten. His wife, Angela (Jennifer Beals), is tied and gagged, and Ted is forced to play out a psycho-drama with Siegfried becoming more and more unstable. Eventually, Ted manages to escape just as the real Theodore arrives. The segment ends almost exactly as it began, with a close up on the room number, with the last number scratched, leading the audience to wonder if it was indeed room 404.

So what's the main problem with this part? The pacing, to put it simply. It's too fast, too much happens in too short an amount of time. Which is odd, considering each segment lasts roughly around 20 minutes, but if a little more time had been taken to make things a little clearer then this would've worked better. And that's the other major problem that I had with the room, it was incredibly unclear what was going on. Looking back, all I can really remember are flashes of Tim Roth's expressions and Jennifer Beals with a gag in her mouth. Oh, and that part where Tim Roth is halfway stuck out of a window. While it kinda makes sense by the end, the payoff isn't funny or clever enough for you to really care. One interesting coincidence, though, is the Beals and Roth were reunited in the TV show Lie to Me, in which they played a divorced couple. The fangirl in me is pleased.

Anyway, we now move onto the best part of the movie, Room 309, The Misbehavers directed by Robert Rodriguez. Oh lord, the shit hits the fan here! A man and his wife (Antonio Banderas and Tamlyn Tomita) go off to a New Years Eve party leaving their two kids (Danny Verduzco and Lana McKissack) under the care of Ted, who is instructed to look in on them every half hour. I don't want to say anything else about this part. It's better if you're just surprised by the bizarre events that follow. Plus, too much happens to explain it very well in a paragraph. Unlike the previous segment, the Misbehavers uses it's time well, not dragging the plot through the mud but also not going 100 km an hour. Also, the ending line is excellent!

One of things that is kinda off putting about this part though, for me anyway, is that Ted's character changes for no good reason. While he wasn't the best bellhop in the previous segments, he becomes rather nasty, especially towards the children, who react to what happens to them naturally yet with a slight exaggeration. Ted just kinda acts like a dick in this part, and becomes more of a villain. But apart from the sudden gear change, which I can only put down to different directors and Ted having enough of the shit he's gone through already, this is an excellent short. If you see this without seeing any other part of the film, it still makes sense. And above that, it's fucking hilarious! If you don't want to watch the whole thing, then at least watch this part.

In between the Misbehavers and the Man from Hollywood (the Quentin Taratino segment) there is a little scene where Ted calls his boss, Betty (Kathy Griffin) to tell her about his night so far. But before he gets to speak with her, his call is answered by a stoner named Margaret played by Marisa Tomei. Yep, Marisa Tomei plays a stoner. This is my favourite character of the entire film. She is only onscreen for about 3 minutes, but for me she steals the picture. The clip is on youtube if you want to check it out, and do! Anyway, back to the plot, and onto Tarantino's contribution.

For his last job before he quits for the night, Ted is called to the penthouse suite where director Chester Rush (Tarantino) has asked for numerous and assorted items, including a block of wood, a donut and a 'hatchet as sharp as the devil himsel!' Ted brings these to the penthouse, where he is reunited with Angela from the second room, and he meets Chester's friends Norman (Paul Calderon) and Leo (an uncredited Bruce Willis), and he finds out why Chester has ordered such a random collection of stuff. He and Norman have a bet taken from an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents, where Norman has to light his cigarette lighter ten times in a row and he wins Chester's car. But if he fails to do so, then he has to relinquish one of his pinkies. Ted is asked to do the chopping, being offered $1000 in return.

The Man from Hollywood is the longest section, which is really why the first two rooms aren't as good as the second two. Tarantino demanded more time to tell his story, which meant that parts from the other rooms where cut out. This makes me dislike this section somewhat. Another thing that makes me dislike this room, is that the pacing is too slow. It takes about 15 minutes for Chester to tell Ted why he has brought him up to the penthouse, and then a further ten minutes to actually finish off the segment and movie. Of course, the time is filled with Tarantino's trademark references and swear-fests, but it doesn't work within this context. Again, if this had been a short all on its own, it would've worked better, but as a whole, it brings the movie to a complete stop. Though the ending is pretty funny and almost worth the wait. Almost.

Now, let's just take a quick look at the film as a whole. Does it work? Not really. Is it entertaining? Hell yeah! This is one of those messes that you dream would happen more often. Once you see it, you understand completely why it is a cult film. There's bad dialogue, cringe-worthy acting in parts, it's too long, incredibly pointless and it has Tim Roth in a comedic role. To be honest, Ted is the best and worst part of this film. The best, because his character is able to hold the film together and through some subtle hints in Roth's acting (though maybe subtle isn't the right word) you get a deeper character through repeat viewings. The worst, because his overacting is so funny as to be distracting from the rest of the film. Did I like it? Yes, in a way. It is odd to see Roth so animated when I'm used to him in more serious roles, but he is memorable. Also, the third room is an excellent short, and I will keep saying that.



Would I recommend it? Well, if this has sparked any interest, then seek it out. Otherwise, I'd say you should watch it for the so bad it's good quality that it has. It isn't for everyone, but if you like bad movies, then this should entertain you at some point along the line. Now, November is almsot over, I've completed my 50,000 words and hopefully I will be back on schedule to for some more reviews within the next few days. I'm not sure what I'll be reviewing, or when, but it will be something! Until next time, readers.

Killing Them Softly

My mum has a thing against Brad Pitt which I don't understand. I think it comes from the fact that at one time he was a 'classic leading man' persona that every studio wanted, which thankfully has morphed into an actual serious actor. And yet, if you look at his film credits he chooses some pretty out there movies. I know for me that he will always be Tyler Durden. But this one is just odd. Not a bad movie, just very slow, very talkey and very, very odd. It's hard to explain why. Maybe it's the lack of plot, maybe it's because all the characters are unbelievabley unlikeable. It might simply be the fact that there is only one female speaking part and she's a prostitute. Well, let's try and find out.

Two amateur criminals, Russel and Frankie (Ben Medelsohn and Scoot McNairy) are asked to knock over a card game run by Markie Trattman (Ray Liotta). Markie had previously knocked over his own game and took the money for himself, so if his game is robbed again then most people will think it was him. But Jackie (Brad Pitt), a 'professional enforcer', is called in to take care of those who are responsible by unknown higher ups (represented by Richard Jenkins as the Driver). Because of Jackie's strange ideals, he can't kill anyone he knows and prefers to kill people from far away. So, he calls in another hitman, Mickey (James Gandolfini) in order to eliminate one of the targets. But Mickey has slipped into alcoholism and a desperate state that makes Jackie wonder if that is what is going to happen. Meanwhile, Frankie is getting scared that he is going to get caught. All this is set to the back drop of the 2008 American elections.

So, let's get this out of the way first. This is is a misogynistic movie. As I said in my introduction, there is only one female speaking and she is verbally abused by Mickey in her one scene. It wouldn't bother me that much to have an all male cast, but it's the way that they talk and think about women that really gets to me. To them, women are objects and possessions, to collect and parade about for their own gratification and not actual people. Which, while it solidifies the fact that this movie is indeed set in a mans world, it seems unnecessary to make every character talk about women like they were lower than them. I'm sorry, I had to get this out of the way first. It's the worst thing about the film. And it's a pretty big worst part.

But let's move onto the good stuff. Or at least the better stuff. Bad stuff will come later. But what I do like about this movie is that it doesn't glamourise Jackie's profession and it doesn't exploit violence. A lot of films nowadays will use violence merely to shock the audience and to simply show off the special effects. And while Killing Them Softly could be accused of both of these, I don't think it is. It's shocking, because it's real. Mickey is really being punched in the stomach so hard that he spews blood, really being kicked repeatedly in the ribs so that we can hear them breaking. And the special effects are awesome. The one scene where we really see them is near the middle of the film, where Jackie has to take out Mickey (oh, spoilers!). It's all done in slow motion, while the soundtrack plays "Life is Just a Bowl of Cherries". This scene is absolutely perfect. It's stylised, it's fairly subdued (apart from the whole, you know, slow-mo) and the music contrasts well with the action in a cleverly ironic way.

Speaking of music, the soundtrack is excellent. A whole range of songs from the 30's to the 70's (and possibly beyond). Often the tracks are used to juxtapose what is going on in the film, like in the slow-mo scene. But most of the time they just enhance the action and give the film an edge that a lot of films nowadays don't. The end speech by Jackie about how America has become a business ends with one of the best ending quotes, and the credits start with Barrett Strong's "Money (That's What I Want)" make it an absolutely excellent ending to a movie. Abrupt and dryly funny. Perfect.

But enough gushing. The second main problem I have with the film is that it's very heavy handed with how it uses the American 2008 presidential election and how it connects to the underworld. In fact, it's pretty much shoved down your throat. Every important plot point is preceded by excerpts from the speeches of Obama and Bush, either on the radio or on TV. The only time when it really works is the big finale speech, when Jackie denounces the American dream during Obama's acceptance speech (I think, I'm not an expert on American politics. And from the looks of things, not many Americans are either). He sums up what America has become, a business as stated earlier, and that it has moved on from being a country in its own right. It exists simply to make money. But during, the rest of the movie, the speeches didn't really need to be there.

So, I don't think this is going to be as popular as the makers expeted it to be. Especially since it's adertsed as a fast action flick. It is a good film, and the acting is excellent, especially from Pitt and McNairy. But it is also inredibly dark, and there is a lot of talking. A Tarantino amount of talking. Would I recommend it? Only if you were going to see it anyway. Otherwise, if it doesn't look like your kind of thing, then don't bother. So, November is here, bringing with it NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month, for those who didn't know), which means I will be focusing on that rather than this. I have a good idea for a book this year, and I want to spend as much time as possible on it. If I stay on track, then other reviews will pop up sometime. But I probably won't so this will be neglected for a little while. Until next time, readers. Whenever that will be.

Villainesses

Halloween is almost upon us, and even though it's at the wrong end of the year to celebrate it properly in Australia (try wearing a corset when it's almost 30 degrees), celebrate it most of us do. Because we always welcome another excuse to party! And what better way to honour this time of haunting than with a list commemorating those mistresses of evil that we love so much. Whether from the screen or the page (though everyone on this list was chosen because of their film counter-part), there are some incredibly memorable women who do their best to bring badness to the world, and these are just ten of my favourites. Some of the entries might not be what you were expecting, mainly because I have an odd sense of taste, but oh well. The ladies on this list were chosen based on their villainy and evilness, but also based on how much scenery they chew and scenes they steal. But enough stalling, let us start this list of my top ten Villainesses!

Oh, and spoilers may be hiding in here....

10. The Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz

So, while Wicked may have made Elphaba a human, this Witch from the original Wizard of Oz will always be my favourite bad tempered woman. Not only is she quite powerful, but she has a nazty habbit of holding grudges. I also like that we don't know her back story in the original, but I like to think she spent years saving up her bitterness for when Dorothy arrived. The Wicked Witch is deifinitely a fun villain to watch, and she did create that famous witches cackle!

9. Debbie Jellinsky from The Addams Family Values

 
Not a name that commonly crops up on these sorts of things, but I love this character. Joan Cusack's performance here is one of the best I've seen of her, so over the top and hilarious. I love both of the new Addams Family movies, but the second one is probably my favourite, thanks to Debbie. A professional black widow, who seduces Fester, tries to murder him on numerous occaisions to get his money, goes insane, and then tries to murder the rest of the Addams family as well. And her motivation? Because she deserves more. Brilliant!

8. Beverley Sutphin from Serial Mom

Now, here's an interesting thought. What happens when you're villain is also your main character, who also believes that she is doing nothing wrong by brutally murdering anyone who comes against her family or who doesn't represent the American way? You get a hilarious yet (slightly) underrated John Waters comedy! This is a brilliant idea of a serial murdering housewife, played wonderfully by Kathleen Turner, and the murder scenes themselves are great on their own. For example, an old woman is beaten to death with a lef of lamb whilst watching Annie. But what makes this film great is the trial scene at the end, where Mrs. Sutphin manages to  outwit the prosecutor and the many witnesses that are called against her. Certainly the most intelligent mother/wife/murderess to be seen onscreen!

7. Lamia from Stardust

 
People seem to forget that Michelle Pfeiffer has played too witches. I like this one better, she's a lot more fun to watch, and pretty much goes into evil overdrive. Part of what makes Lamia one of my favourites is that Pfeiffer is just having so much fun with the role! The way the character has changed from the book to the film might be seen by some as heresay, but it's one of the things that I like. The film created an identifiable villain whose vanity motivates and blinds her. Plus, she kidnaps, tries to kill and deceives the main characters for the duration of the film. And the make up is just amazing.

6. Mrs. Danvers from Rebecca

Psychological manipulation and subtle lesbian overtones time! Mrs Danvers is the housekeeper of Manderlay and obssesed with the previous (and deceased) Mrs de Winter, the Rebecca of the title. When Maxim de Winter brings back his new bride, Danvers does everything she can to manipulate and undermine her authority over the estate. This culminates in Danvers trying to persuade her to jump out of her second story window. This woman is crazy! She patronizes our heroine, bullies her, seems to have been in complete idolisation of Rebecca, and thanks to Hitchcock's incredible direction, is creepy as hell. Seriously, she floats instead of walks!

5. Ursula from The Little Mermaid

Now, this wouldn't be a list of villainesses without some from Disney! Oh Ursula, with you 'I am fabulous' attitude, and your overwhelming confidence, it's no wonder your song is one of the best remembered from the Disney archives. And you end up on so many top ten lists! But the thing I admire the most about Ursula, is that she doesn't care what others say about her, and her determination to get whatever she wants, by any means necessary. She's also really scary when she's insane!

4. Dolores Umbridge from the Harry Potter series

There are likeable villains. Well, not likeable, but enjoyable villains. I've already introduced to a few of them on this list. Then there are those that I respect as characters in their own rights, because they are strong characters. We will be getting to them. Then there is Umbridge. Good god I loath this woman! She is a vile, patronising creature and I wish I could have the good fortune of destroying her in her entirety! But why is she on the list if I hate her so much? Could it be that because I hate her so much that she is on the list? It is true that there are few characters who make me want to hurt something as much as Umbridge does! And I think that counts towards something. Well done to Imelda Staunton in a fairly unforgiving role.

3. Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty

Yes, the most famous of all the Disney villains is not number one. And it isn't because she isn't menacing, powerful or evil enough, but rather that her motivation seems to me to be a little... petty. She isn't invited to a party. So? Why should she care? It didn't look like her sort of affair anyway, not that I am any judge on the sorts of parties that evil fairies might like... This is one of those characters where a backstory is gratefully welcomed, and I can't wait for Maleficent to come out next year. But this doesn't mean that I don't think she's a good villain. She is more powerful than any other of the magical women on this list. And I especially like that for most of the film she is creepily subdued, until she gets angry at the end and turns into a dragon. Which is awesome!

2. Milady de Winter from The Three Musketeers, and The Four Musketeers

 
But it has to be the Faye Dunaway 1973 version! It has to be! Milla Jovovich is terrible, and Rebecca de Mornay is a completely different character than the one in the books. Dunaway's Milady is selfish, remorseless, incredibly intelligent and holds grudges against everyone who treated her wrongly or stands in her way. While she is more of a bit player in The Three Musketeers, in the sequel her vengeful nature comes out full force as she seduces D'Artagnan, tries to kill him, tries to kill Athos (maybe marries him for his money, we don't really know) and then turns Buckingham's servant Felton against his master, all in a bid to get revenge against the men who wronged her. And in that way, she is a little sympathetic. She has a motivation that people can relate to. Okay, it's revenge, but who hasn't wanted something bad to happen to someone else? Also, no one can give that pitying stare that Dunaway can give.

1. Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over the Cukoo's Nest

 
Yep. This woman. This sadistic, self-righteous, iron fisted woman. If you haven't seen One Flew, then you need to. I think the thing that makes her number one for me is that she seems respectable. If we were watching the movie from her perspective then we would sympathise with her, but since we see the film from the patients point of view, we see her for the twisted snake of human she is. The only pleasure she seems to get from her rather thankless job is to torment her patients and treat them as lesser human beings. Also, every other character on this list I can empathise with in one way or another. But this woman, I can't understand her motivation, and when I try to I just can't comprehend that anyone could act the way she does. It doesn't help that Louise Fletcher's performance is so wide-eyed and emotionless. She is indeed, the most evil of all villainesses.


And that is my list! Hopefully, a little different from others you've read/seen, but what's wrong with different. There were some I wanted to put on here, but I deemed them either to be not evil enough or not my favourite, so they were left off. Anyway, happy Halloween lovelies! Until next time, readers.
(If this was a video, the outro music would be "Evil Woman" by ELO!)