Dark Shadows

 
Well... it looks nice? Seriously, what can I say about this movie that hasn't already been said by everyone else. It's not a good movie! At times, it's amusing, the scenery is stunning and the CGI is okay. But as a vampire movie, a Tim Burton movie and just on it's own, it really fucking sucks. It sucks so much, that I'm going to be swearing throughout this review! In all honesty, I'd say that this is Tim Burton's worst film.

So, the plot is Barnabus Collins is turned into a vampire by scorned servant/witch Angelique, and is buried in the 1800s only to be uncovered in the 1970s. There isn't much plot in this film, it's more like set pieces made up of failed ideas that roughly convey a series of events and plot twists from the TV show it was based on. So, naturally it's a big mess. My expectations weren't high when I first saw the trailer, but I thought it would be a bit of fun, a romp-like experience if you will. But I never thought it would be so bad!

But before I go into what was bad (and believe me there is a lot) let's see if there's anything good in the film. As I said earlier, the general aestheticis very impressive. Burton always knows how to create these incredible worlds in his films, and this one is no different. Eva Green as Angelique is enjoyabley chewing scenery, and she is deffinitely the best actor. Although, Johnny Lee Miller and Bella Heathcote are also fairly good. The soundtrack is excellent and Alice Cooper steals the show when he appears on screen. The opening 20 or so minutes are good, when we are introduced to the family (and when Johnny Depp isn't on screen). That's about it for praise from me. Now take a breathe, cause this could take a while.

To better explain what makes this film bad, I'm going to compare it to another notoriously awful film, Batman and Robin. One of the main problems with that movie was the dramatic tonal shifts it would suddenly take, causing massive whip-lash for anyone watching. It would juxtapose the really dark and serious moments with really campy and laughable moments. Dark Shadows does the same and it's really apparent in Johnny Depp's character. Also, both films are ridiculously obssessed with family.

 But back to Depp. I'm going to be brutally honest and just say right out that Johnny Depp is the worst part of the film. He was overacting terribly, his make-up was Twilight ridiculous (oh yeah, I went there!) and he didn't seem to be having any fun at all. it doesn't help that his character was written awfully as well. Depp has said that Barnabus Collins was one of his favourite characters growing up. Now, I have never seen the original Dark Shadows soap, but from what I've heard the Jonathan Frid Barnabus was fairly evil, coniving and manipulative, and it was throughout the course of the show he grew more sympathetic and remorseful for the things he had done. It suprises me that both Depp and Burton (who was also a fan of the TV show) could've fucked up the character so much. The main problem with Barnabus is that it's unclear as to whether he's really a good guy or not. He does all these horrible acts (murdering innocent people, breaking Angelique's heart, and she is the more sympathetic character here) and doesn't really feel regret about them, and yet we're meant to sympathise because he's brooding over the fact that he doesn't want to be a vampire. It doesn't make him sympathetic, it just makes him a douche.

So, don't see this movie. I feel like I've wasted too much time on it already, that it doesn't deserve. I did giggle a few times, but they were few and far between. It's a shame to see someone like Tim Burton, who used to be creative and different, fall from such heights and become mediocre. Well, next week a return to the arty with a Cannes film favourite from Turkey. Until then, I've no choice but to follow the call. Sleep doesn't like me at the moment.

Bitten and Fanboys

Okay, so the next CAE movie, The Woman in the Fifth, is going to take a little longer than I thought to get written as I think the only way to do a proper review is to read the book it's based on and compare to the two. The film is just a little too cryptic to be seen by itself. So instead of talking about that this week, I'm going to ramble on about two films I saw recently, and if you couldn't tell what they werefrom the title, then you need some serious help.

Bitten stars Jason Mewes as a paramedic named Jack. Yep, that's right. Jason Mewes plays a paramedic. And yes, that is the only reason I bought this movie. Jack works the graveyard shift with his friend Roger (Richard Fitzpatrick), and after coming home one night at 4 am, he finds a girl, Danika (Erica Cox), covered in blood lying in the garbage near his home. At first thinking she's a drug user, he still takes her in and patches her up. He soon realises, however, that she's not the user he thought she was. No, instead she's a vampire. And a hungry one at that.

I'm just going to say this now, this has to be one of the best vampire films in years. And that's saying something, considering how many times the bloody creatures are overused. And I think it's because the story of the film is set in a much smaller scale than your Underworld's or your Twilight's. The film focuses on the relationship between the 2 main characters, and the struggles they face. The central conflict is Jack trying to cope with being in love with a vampire who's always hungry and who could possily bite his head off at any minute and who is drinking dry the entire neighbourhood. There's no large scale war with werewolves, there's no forbidden romance, there's no melodramtic, over the top, stupid teenagers who think they know everything whn they're 16.... Sorry, got on a Twilight rant. This is also a really good romantic movie, with the viewer allowed to watch the attraction between Danika and Jack grow. Yeah, there sorta is the whole love at first site thing, but it works. I'm actually surprised I haven't come across a vampire movie like this before. (That's your cue to tell me that there are other ones out there, and that I live under a rock for not knowing about them before.)

 The comedy is this movie is very dark, and sometimes very crude. Just to give you an example, one of my favourite scenes is when Jack has to clean the drained body of his ex, while the background music is a nursery rhyme. There are also moments when the fourth wall is broken, usually with Jack giving the camera significant looks. There was bound to be a lot of swearing in this, they cast Jason bloody Mewes! But if that sort of thing doesn't bother you, then you'll be fine. Roger is probably the crudest in the film, with a lot of anal jokes coming from his mouth, but he does have some of the funniest lines. And the scenes between him and Jack are some of the best, because it shows they both do care for each other even if they do go at each other from time to time. The casting of Jason Mewes was an excellent idea. If, like me, you only know him from the View Askewniverse films of Kevin Smith, then this is going to surprise you. He can act! Ok, he's no Brando, but he's believable and funny as a lovesick fool. For me though, Richard Fitzpatrick steals the film, being a foul mouthed, angry old divorcee with a weak bladder.

As much as I talk this film up, there are flaws. Some plot points are brought up, then jut left by the side of the road in a plastic bag, Erica Cox takes her top off every five minutes, there's a random three way sex scene for no reason, and the lighting is too dark sometimes. But if you like vampire/gore/genre films, then I definitely recomend this.

Now for something completely different, Fanboys. Fanboys is set in 1998, 6 months before The Phantom Menace is due to be released. Four friends take a road trip to George Lucas' Skywalker Ranch to try and see a copy of the rough cut of the film before it comes out in cinemas. Hilarity and high jinks ensue. Yes, it's a road movie. Yes, it's a (sorta) copycat of the Appatow comedies that are currently invading our screens. Yes, it's a bit of a mess. But here'e the thing. I really like this film. And let me tell you why. It's believable.

Yeah, you heard me. I found the film believable. It might be because I can connect to the characters, they're Star Wars fans! Star Wars was the major sci-fi film series I grew up with and I remember having conversations about the franchise that the ones the characters have in the film. I never can be as well-versed in the lore as these guys are, but I have been in arguments about who was better, Han Solo or Luke Skywalker. So yeah, I've been there. I get these guys. And these characters are also a lot of fun. The four main protagonists are Bottler (Sam Huntington) who has moved away from the others and focuses too much on his job, Windows (Jay Baruchel) who has an online girlfriend, Hutch (Dan Fogler) the loud, crude joker of the group, and Linus (Chris Marquette) possibly the biggest fanboy and who also has cancer. No, not joking. He actually does have cancer, but instead of being treated like this is the end of the world by him and his friends, they continue to carry much as they did before. In fact, Bottler finding out that Linus has cancer is the turning point of the movie and helps to set the plot in motion.

Post-production on this film was apparently a nightmare, and it shows in parts. The cancer subplot was taken out in favour of cruder, more Appatow scenarios, but thankfully director Kyle Newman made sure that it was kept. But traces of the other film can still be seen. In all honesty, the film wouldn't work without the cancer subplot. It adds depth to what would otherwise be a bad knock-off of Superbad. You can definitely tell that there were many re-edits, some scenes go nowhere, plot points are thrown away (again!). Kirsten Bell is underused as fangirl Zoe, though I do have to say she is one of the more positive portrayals of a fangirl that I've seen. There are still some hilarious scenes, and awesome cameos to be found here (the one where the guys get high with Danny Trejo is pretty cool, but then again, it's Danny Trejo.) There are so many cameos in it that it reminds me of  John Landis movie, which is always good. Fanboys has a less polished feel to it than Bitten does, but while it is a mess, it's a fun mess! And I do recommend it for die hard Star Wars fans. If nothing else, it captures the excitement and the expectantcy that people felt before The Phantom Menace came out.

I didn't mean to waffle on as long as I have. The Woman in the Fifth will be along as soon as I finish the book. Oh wait, I have to order the book... Anway, the next CAE movie is Trishna (which just so happens to be an adaptation of Tess of the D'Ubervilles) so until next time, Live Long and Prosper!