Well... it looks nice? Seriously, what can I say about this movie that hasn't already been said by everyone else. It's not a good movie! At times, it's amusing, the scenery is stunning and the CGI is okay. But as a vampire movie, a Tim Burton movie and just on it's own, it really fucking sucks. It sucks so much, that I'm going to be swearing throughout this review! In all honesty, I'd say that this is Tim Burton's worst film.
So, the plot is Barnabus Collins is turned into a vampire by scorned servant/witch Angelique, and is buried in the 1800s only to be uncovered in the 1970s. There isn't much plot in this film, it's more like set pieces made up of failed ideas that roughly convey a series of events and plot twists from the TV show it was based on. So, naturally it's a big mess. My expectations weren't high when I first saw the trailer, but I thought it would be a bit of fun, a romp-like experience if you will. But I never thought it would be so bad!
But before I go into what was bad (and believe me there is a lot) let's see if there's anything good in the film. As I said earlier, the general aestheticis very impressive. Burton always knows how to create these incredible worlds in his films, and this one is no different. Eva Green as Angelique is enjoyabley chewing scenery, and she is deffinitely the best actor. Although, Johnny Lee Miller and Bella Heathcote are also fairly good. The soundtrack is excellent and Alice Cooper steals the show when he appears on screen. The opening 20 or so minutes are good, when we are introduced to the family (and when Johnny Depp isn't on screen). That's about it for praise from me. Now take a breathe, cause this could take a while.
To better explain what makes this film bad, I'm going to compare it to another notoriously awful film, Batman and Robin. One of the main problems with that movie was the dramatic tonal shifts it would suddenly take, causing massive whip-lash for anyone watching. It would juxtapose the really dark and serious moments with really campy and laughable moments. Dark Shadows does the same and it's really apparent in Johnny Depp's character. Also, both films are ridiculously obssessed with family.
But back to Depp. I'm going to be brutally honest and just say right out that Johnny Depp is the worst part of the film. He was overacting terribly, his make-up was Twilight ridiculous (oh yeah, I went there!) and he didn't seem to be having any fun at all. it doesn't help that his character was written awfully as well. Depp has said that Barnabus Collins was one of his favourite characters growing up. Now, I have never seen the original Dark Shadows soap, but from what I've heard the Jonathan Frid Barnabus was fairly evil, coniving and manipulative, and it was throughout the course of the show he grew more sympathetic and remorseful for the things he had done. It suprises me that both Depp and Burton (who was also a fan of the TV show) could've fucked up the character so much. The main problem with Barnabus is that it's unclear as to whether he's really a good guy or not. He does all these horrible acts (murdering innocent people, breaking Angelique's heart, and she is the more sympathetic character here) and doesn't really feel regret about them, and yet we're meant to sympathise because he's brooding over the fact that he doesn't want to be a vampire. It doesn't make him sympathetic, it just makes him a douche.
So, don't see this movie. I feel like I've wasted too much time on it already, that it doesn't deserve. I did giggle a few times, but they were few and far between. It's a shame to see someone like Tim Burton, who used to be creative and different, fall from such heights and become mediocre. Well, next week a return to the arty with a Cannes film favourite from Turkey. Until then, I've no choice but to follow the call. Sleep doesn't like me at the moment.
