Most of the films on this list are on it simply because they were dull. I think that boredom is a worse sin to commit than incompetence, although there are some undoubtedly stupid films on this list as well. I suppose I should also point out that the years most infamous flops probably won't be on this list, due the fact that I have limited funds and I didn't want to waste my money on things that looked terrible. Instead, these are films that I thought might be entertaining at the most, and then they turned to be not even that.
As always, this list is completely biased, and if you liked any of the films on here, then yay! Well done for finding something good in them that I couldn't. Anyway, enough faffing around. Let's get on with the list!
9. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
So, this film is number 9 because out of the films on this list, this entertained me the most. In all honesty, it's not really a bad film. Then why is it on this list? Because it's a bad Ninja Turtles film. It takes 30 minutes for them to turn up, and when they do we discover that their back story has been unnecessarily changed and the plot still revolves more around April than the Turtles themselves. Which isn't a bad thing, but in the end it makes the film feel like it doesn't belong to the Ninja Turtles. To be fair to the film, I did enjoy myself, there were some fun moments. But because the film doesn't feel like a Ninja Turtles film, I feel obliged to put it on this list.
8. The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies
Okay, let's just get this out of the way. The whole trilogy was incredibly boring! Except for a few bits here and there, like the dwarves introduction and Gollum, I was yawning through all of these films. I even wish that I'd put The Desolation of Smaug on last years worst of list, since I think that one was the worst. But since I can't erase past mistakes, I will have to be content with putting the last effort from Peter Jackson on this years list. So what did I not like about this film? The fight scenes, which take up the majority of the film, the never-ending boss battle on the ice, those fucking deus ex machina birds, the fact that the only female character has to be rescued in the end! To be fair, the acting is very good, with Richard Armitage really shining, and there were a few good bits here and there, like the dragon. But the dragon died so early on! It was a massive anti-climax! We waited 2 films to get to the fucking beast, and then they kill it in the first ten minutes! Ugh! Also, what the hell was up with Thranduil's moose horse? Someone needs to take Peter Jackson aside, and get him to calm down on the adaptations, especially since he's directing The Dam Busters remake. Oh, please don't let that be a nine trilogy of boredom as well!
7. The Book Thief
There were some really weird choices made in this film. The biggest one being having the entire cast put on really fake and distracting German accents. Why? If you wanted German accents, why not have German actors and have the whole film in German? That would make sense. Or if you wanted to have it in English, pull an Amadeus and just have everyone speak in their own accents, or an English accent. It's just a directing choice that baffles me. Especially since, like I said, most of the accents just distract from the entire film. Not that it's hard to be distracted in a film like this. I think the worst offense for an adaptation is to make the book unappealing to those who have never read it, and that is what The Book Thief does. After seeing this, I was so bored by it's shmaltz and saccharine messages that I had no desire to read the book. And from what I've heard, people who actually read the book weren't too impressed by it as well. And I haven't even begun to address the issues I have with the terrible trailer that accompanied it! But I will save that rant for another time. So yeah, dullness and stupid accents ruined this film for me. And the book as well.
6. 47 Ronin
So, story time. In January last year, there was week of 40 plus degree days in Melbourne. During that time, I saw about five films in an effort to keep out of the heat (I think we must be the only house in Australia that doesn't have air-con). This was one of them. After seeing it, I thought it wasn't that bad a film. A little too serious, perhaps. But there was enough in it to keep interested throughout the run time, and I thought the female villain was so much fun to watch! So, why is it on this list? Because a year later, I cannot for the life of me remember one thing about this film except Keanu Reeves was in it, and I apparently liked the female villain. I can't remember a single plot point, a single character name! I can't even remember why I liked the female villain! A forgettable film for me is as bad as a dull film, and since this was the most forgettable film of 2014, it deserves to be on this list.
5. Grudge Match
I didn't see this film during 40 degree heat. I just stupidly thought it might be entertaining. Boy, was I wrong. I don't have a very high opinion of Sylvester Stallone, he always seems to play the same character in every film (though to be fair, I haven't yet seen any of the Rambo movies). But this film definitely lowered my opinion of him even more! The premise isn't bad, it's just the execution is so boring. The only good thing in this film is Alan Arkin, and that's cause he spends the whole film in sarcastic snarky mode. The other thing is that this is such a blatant cash in of films that came out over thirty years ago that won't satisfy either the people who grew up with those films, or those who haven't seen them yet. It's simply a waste of space and time. Robert de Niro, why!
4. The Monkey King
I feel kinda bad putting this on the list, since it comes from a country whose film culture I know very little about. But I don't think I encountered a more annoying character this year than this version of the Monkey King. Yes, I know he's meant to be the embodiment of mischief and all that. But I'm fairly sure you can accomplish that without resorting to high pitched voices and jerky hand movements that look like they came out of a high school production of the myth. The 3D is also terrible, so terrible that Chow Yun Fat just gives up half way through the film and sits down to drink tea for the rest of it. Or so it seems. The only good thing about this film was the villain. But I don't necessarily think it's a good thing to be rooting for the villain simply because the hero is so annoying you want to castrate him! Sorry China and Hong Kong, I know you make better films than this. But this was pretty atrocious.
3. Interstellar
Dear Hans Zimmer. There is only one person who write music like Philip Glass. And that is Philip Glass. Please stop trying to be Philip Glass. It sounds annoying.
Yeah, this one might be a bit of a controversial choice. A lot of people seem to think this isn't that bad. Good for them, I wish I was one of them. Then I wouldn't feel like I wasted 3 hours of my life, and $20 of the limited funds I possess. You might have already guessed, but I hated the music. I also hated the script, and the stupid love speech that occurs half way through the film. But maybe that's just cause I'm a cold-hearted cynic. The thing I hated the most though, was the length. This film was way too long, and I think that Peter Jackson isn't the only directed who needs to be reined in a little. This film was so long, that the friend I went to see it with actually forgot one of the characters! TARS was the only good thing about the film, or at least the thing that I liked the most (and I just found out he was voiced by Bill Irwin, which makes him even more awesome). But really, there was just too much explanation, and not enough plot. If we hadn't discovered that really contrived stuff about the ghost, then I might have liked it more. But as it is, it's too long and exposition-y for my tastes.
2. Winter's Tale
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1. No this has nothing to do with Shakespeare. 2. After beginning the book that this is based on, I can see how the film ended up the way it did. And 3. This was the funniest film I saw throughout the entire year, for entirely the wrong reasons! Since the conception of this blog, I have been waiting for a film to fall into the 'so bad it's good' category. Some have come close, but none as close as Winter's Tale! Where to begin! How about Colin Farrell's hair? This is the worst hairstyle I think I have ever seen in a film. It's so terrible, but it's hilarious how he tries to pull it off! Why does he have such a terrible hairstyle? Because he does! Then there's Russell Crowe, who speaks in such a mumbling Irish accent, you can't actually hear what he's saying most of the time. His character is trying to capture and kill Farrell's character. Why? Because he is! There's a magic flying horse. Why? Because there is! Miracles exist. Why? Because they do! Jewels are important and make glowing cities when moonlight shines on them. Why? Because they can! Jessica Brown Findlay is dying of consumption. Why? Because it's the early 20th century, and somebody has to be dying of consumption, goddamn it! Will Smith is Lucifer. Why? Because why the fuck not! This film doesn't explain anything, and while that can sometimes be a good thing, in this case it just makes the film confusing and messy. But that's the best part about it! Out of all the films on this list, this is the one I recommend because it is so bad it's funny! If you get a chance to see it, do! Hopefully, you'll laugh as much as I did.
1. The One I Love
Again, I feel kinda bad picking a film like this to be on this list, and especially in the number one spot. It's an independent film made by a first time director with practically no budget. But no film annoyed me as much as this film did this year. The characters, a married couple played by Mark Duplass and Elisabeth Moss, are so wrapped in their own selfish desires that they can't understand what their spouses want. Their problems also are just thrust onto the audience, without any build up or time given to their development. It's scenes are very repetitive, and the dialogue can be extremely annoying a lot of the time. There isn't really anything good I can say about this film. It feels so long, the conflict is so drawn out, and it's only 91 minutes long. The premise isn't even taken as far as it could've been! This could've been a really gripping emotional drama. Instead, it pussyfoots around for 45 minutes before anything happens! And, it also made me commit the biggest cinema sin of them all; I got my phone out to check the time. Repeatedly! (It was okay, there wasn't anyone else in the cinema) When a film makes me do that, and also makes me question why I would waste time and money on seeing it, then I know that it's bad.
So, that was the first list! I always think it's better to get the bad ones out of the way first, so we can focus on the positive and not leave a bad taste in the mouth. Hopefully, the next two lists will be out in the next week or so. I just have to go over them again and do some very serious thinking about placements. Until next time, readers.
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